my future

i've thought a lot about my future tonight. where am i going after graduation? what do i want to do?

i still feel so young. graduating college seems like stepping off the edge of a cliff i've been inching my way towards my whole life. in elementary school, i couldn't even imagine what college would be like, aside from a thought of an older version of myself with long blonde hair, bent over a planner trying to coordinate my schedule and doing my homework. now that i'm in college, i've been trying to imagine my future self again, and i haven't been able to see her. i just imagine an apartment in east lansing... and i don't like it. i like msu, i feel at home there: my friends and family are deeply woven into my life now and i like how close i feel to them. i know who i care about, who i want in my life and who matters. however...

all i know is, i feel sheltered. i've felt sheltered ever since coming to japan. i needed to get out of the united states, away from my bubble of security. things here are so different--but not so different that i can't cope. i like that. it's different and i like feeling challenged and forced to adjust. i can do this. i can live in a country, in a city, in a place so entirely different from my hometown than i could have imagined, and be okay. i can do it. i know that now, and i feel stronger.

my mom says she's always seen me going to grad school. she went--on her own dime--and says it was one of the best decisions she's ever made. education is important; i know this and support it. people tell me i'm smart; people i'm not even friends with, who have only had a few conversations with me, tell me i carry myself well and exhibit intelligence in the way i talk and act. i like hearing that and i want to live up to that impression. parts of me judge people who can't spell, who can't articulate their thoughts well, and even more of me weighs people on their motivation to seek knowledge. that doesn't mean going to college is the only way to do that, but i think it's the best option for me.

grad school is something i want to do, but not in michigan. i want to go out west. california seems like the place for me, ever since i spent a few weeks there this summer. i love the atmosphere, the closeness of the ocean, the mountains, and the warmth. i loved san fransisco. oregon is beautiful, too. somewhere along the pacific ocean is where i belong. i can see myself living in a city like san fransisco in an apartment with a dog and a motorcycle. the last year of my life has really opened my eyes to where i want to go (and i realize now that the entire country, even the entire world is open to me), and the more i explore, the more i know michigan will always be home, but not where i want to live.

i don't feel the motivation to go to grad school right after i graduate, though. i don't feel like i could handle another 4+ years of school so soon. i want to travel. "teach for america" or the "jet" program--programs that would enable me to teach abroad without a teaching certificate--seemed an obvious option after i started toying with the idea of being an english teacher or a college professor, but it just seemed like an answer i could give when asked, "what do you want to do with your degree?" i came up with that answer to divert the stinging feeling i got when people asked me what use an english degree was. i've never wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer (though i have a lot of respect for those who do); i don't have the passion for those careers necessary to pursue them, and the promise of money has never been a reason for me to suffer through something i'm not passionate about (aside from stupid part time jobs). i used to say i'd be happy living in a cardboard box if it meant i got to write for a living, and i meant it, but i've known that's not entirely realistic. journalism isn't my thing, either. i don't want to report, i just want to write poetry and short stories, but i'm no j.k. rowling. i don't see myself sitting in a coffee shop writing a story on 20 different napkins and coming up with a billion dollar plot line.

earlier in the week, jamal, kevin, juan and i were sitting in the lobby doing homework and eating dinner. one of them mentioned the idea of joining the peace corps, and something clicked in my mind. it fit. i've heard people talking about joining, but i'd never seriously considered it for myself until tonight. i suppose before coming to japan, traveling the world seemed like such an impossibility for my immediate future, like it was something i'd do much later in life with my husband, maybe after we retired. now i know there's a world outside of farmington hills and east lansing, and i don't need to have an abundant amount of free time and money or a husband to explore it. this isn't another planet or dimension; being in a different part of the world is plausable, and it doesn't just end with japan.

i visited the peace corps website and started reading about the programs and the possibilities it could offer me. most of the people in the program have undergraduate degrees, like i will after next year. the best part, though? they can help pay for grad school. and since i don't know exactly what i want to do, whether it be teaching or something entirely different, joining the corps will give me time and insight to figure it out. they send people all over the world (something i know i want to do, and through work if possible) and every position in the program is focused on the progression and betterment of people and the environment. i could go abroad for a few years, and then come back to the states for grad school, and then... who knows? people just a few years older than me are traveling the world and helping people while figuring out what they want to do when their experience with the peace corps ends. they're looking at saving thousands of dollars in tuition for grad school and an amazing addition to their resumes. none of them are sitting in an apartment in east lansing 4 months after graduating.

it's an idea; that's all i know.
and it's one i'm seriously beginning to consider.